"The worst thing I did today was not get drunk."
"Happiness? What?! What's happiness? Huh?"
"Holy Crap!" - Brooke scoffing at e-mail
"What are you crappin' about?" - Monkey
"I don't ever (instead of never) call BellSouth that I don't get someone from YESTERDAY WORLD!"
"Yeah he's got a white butthole though!" (re: our office cat Angus who is jet black)
"Are you still living?" - (re: opening line to calling someone)
"
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Quote Purge
These Quotes were purged from another list...
"She doesn't look dangerous, but she is! She's like cyanide candy! -
Katie Davis (re: LMG rip)
"My mouths' faster than light!" - Sherry
"More exciting than God and fertilizer." Kathryn (re: some payton sapp column)
"That would have been awful for you to have died." - Monaray
"I know, I already laid out the obits." - Katie
"There ain't nothing worse than a bruise on the butt." - Sherry
"Hey Miss Monkey, how are you doing?" - Linda
"I'm over here!" - Monaray
"Even though I do not know what you look like, I dream of you subscription manager" - Jennie Thomas
"You set it on fire right?" - Dudly Arnold (re: the dog poo epidemic"
"I ain't gonna play with no paintball machine." - Monaray Powers
"Why we gotta welcome this baby back into the world again?" - Monaray Powers
"I'll go Greenville on his ass. No! We'll get Robbie. I'll go Greenville on his ass and then I"ll go 'Hey! Charlotte wants a piece!'" - Patrick
"You ain't stupid. I'm just pretentious." - Sam Scott
"I'm leaving in 30 minutes. I've got drinking to do." - Katie Davis
"I covered the apocalypse and did it in 750 words!" - Patrick re: a 3,000 word epic
"Ewww there's cooties on my keyboard!" - Sherry
"Hey Brooke! What was that stuff you made that time that was good?" - Becky
"If only you used your powers for good instead of stupidity." - Robbie Schwartz
"Patrick mooned me! Call 911. I've been traumatized!" - Sherry
"Shining a turd doesn't make it gold!" - Brooke
"I get all emotional over a dollar. Can't help it. Gotta have my dad-blasted dollar. I'm mad now!" - Sherry (complaining about a $9 account.)
"Brooke, don't show me your nudity butt!" - Sherry
"Do you think that would offend our readers if we had a mother with purple hair?" - Ramsey
"I don't eat opossum. If I was drunk , I might eat opossum, but I don't eat no opossum." - George
"She must live in a sorority house with a bunch of women who eat only candy canes and dream about unicorns. Her mind was emptier than my bladder." - Angie
"You can't abort syphilis." - Brooke
"If I gotta go back and look in that box there better be a dick in it." - Brynn
"I'm warnin' you. Your coffee went straight through me." - Monaray
"I have one rule, and that's you don't talk about my vagina." - Ramsey
"I make a lovely toad." - Artrose
(this was followed by... "I make a lovely turkeyburger."
"If you pet my inflatable pet you get a free puppy. I think that's a great promo." - Russel
"She's kinda been mounted." - Sherry (re: a lady with a boob job)
"You'll be done froze your boobs off." - Monaray (re: Tara riding a scooter in the winter.)
"When's Cinco de Mayo?" - Becky
"I feel so weird calling the press and asking for Dick." - Becky
"I'm sorry I couldn't get my head there." - Angie
"Guys I'm going to solve this problem and just put it in my mouth... it's a little dry though." - Russel
"I play tap the ones I love." - Russel
"If you do unmanly things we're going to make you grab your crotch five times... it's your hail mary." - Kathryn and Angie to Russel
"I sweat like it's my job" - Intern
"G needs to go away, there's no filter between his brain and his mouth." - Summer
"If your going to attack someone, keep your zipper zipped." - Angie to Russel
"Did you just see those BOYS in here? There's not much to show them around this place. Ya'll should distract them with the gum ball machine, because BOYS are STUPID, and they'll be distracted by the bright colors." - Summer (age: 10 re: boys scouts touring the office)
"We don't have tatahs in this office. We have melons. Honeydew melons." - Artrose
"Line 2 wants to know what they have to do to get an ad in the paper about a divorce." - Artrose
"I ain't no lawyer" - Monkey-ray
"If you want to get laid, crawl up a chicken's ass and wait awhile." - Russel
"I don't really have a beard as much as I have really long sideburns." - Russel
"What made you want to grow a beard?" - Monkey
"Hmmm... sexual attraction?" - Russel
"She doesn't look dangerous, but she is! She's like cyanide candy! -
Katie Davis (re: LMG rip)
"My mouths' faster than light!" - Sherry
"More exciting than God and fertilizer." Kathryn (re: some payton sapp column)
"That would have been awful for you to have died." - Monaray
"I know, I already laid out the obits." - Katie
"There ain't nothing worse than a bruise on the butt." - Sherry
"Hey Miss Monkey, how are you doing?" - Linda
"I'm over here!" - Monaray
"Even though I do not know what you look like, I dream of you subscription manager" - Jennie Thomas
"You set it on fire right?" - Dudly Arnold (re: the dog poo epidemic"
"I ain't gonna play with no paintball machine." - Monaray Powers
"Why we gotta welcome this baby back into the world again?" - Monaray Powers
"I'll go Greenville on his ass. No! We'll get Robbie. I'll go Greenville on his ass and then I"ll go 'Hey! Charlotte wants a piece!'" - Patrick
"You ain't stupid. I'm just pretentious." - Sam Scott
"I'm leaving in 30 minutes. I've got drinking to do." - Katie Davis
"I covered the apocalypse and did it in 750 words!" - Patrick re: a 3,000 word epic
"Ewww there's cooties on my keyboard!" - Sherry
"Hey Brooke! What was that stuff you made that time that was good?" - Becky
"If only you used your powers for good instead of stupidity." - Robbie Schwartz
"Patrick mooned me! Call 911. I've been traumatized!" - Sherry
"Shining a turd doesn't make it gold!" - Brooke
"I get all emotional over a dollar. Can't help it. Gotta have my dad-blasted dollar. I'm mad now!" - Sherry (complaining about a $9 account.)
"Brooke, don't show me your nudity butt!" - Sherry
"Do you think that would offend our readers if we had a mother with purple hair?" - Ramsey
"I don't eat opossum. If I was drunk , I might eat opossum, but I don't eat no opossum." - George
"She must live in a sorority house with a bunch of women who eat only candy canes and dream about unicorns. Her mind was emptier than my bladder." - Angie
"You can't abort syphilis." - Brooke
"If I gotta go back and look in that box there better be a dick in it." - Brynn
"I'm warnin' you. Your coffee went straight through me." - Monaray
"I have one rule, and that's you don't talk about my vagina." - Ramsey
"I make a lovely toad." - Artrose
(this was followed by... "I make a lovely turkeyburger."
"If you pet my inflatable pet you get a free puppy. I think that's a great promo." - Russel
"She's kinda been mounted." - Sherry (re: a lady with a boob job)
"You'll be done froze your boobs off." - Monaray (re: Tara riding a scooter in the winter.)
"When's Cinco de Mayo?" - Becky
"I feel so weird calling the press and asking for Dick." - Becky
"I'm sorry I couldn't get my head there." - Angie
"Guys I'm going to solve this problem and just put it in my mouth... it's a little dry though." - Russel
"I play tap the ones I love." - Russel
"If you do unmanly things we're going to make you grab your crotch five times... it's your hail mary." - Kathryn and Angie to Russel
"I sweat like it's my job" - Intern
"G needs to go away, there's no filter between his brain and his mouth." - Summer
"If your going to attack someone, keep your zipper zipped." - Angie to Russel
"Did you just see those BOYS in here? There's not much to show them around this place. Ya'll should distract them with the gum ball machine, because BOYS are STUPID, and they'll be distracted by the bright colors." - Summer (age: 10 re: boys scouts touring the office)
"We don't have tatahs in this office. We have melons. Honeydew melons." - Artrose
"Line 2 wants to know what they have to do to get an ad in the paper about a divorce." - Artrose
"I ain't no lawyer" - Monkey-ray
"If you want to get laid, crawl up a chicken's ass and wait awhile." - Russel
"I don't really have a beard as much as I have really long sideburns." - Russel
"What made you want to grow a beard?" - Monkey
"Hmmm... sexual attraction?" - Russel
Tramp Stamp
"WHAT! Kathryn got a tramp stamp!" - Sherry
"She got one on her leg that says 'slippery when wet'" - Artrose
"She got one on her leg that says 'slippery when wet'" - Artrose
Peeping
"Are you peeping up my peephole?!" - Sherry
"It's too late to be looking up people's butts, I do that in the morning." - Brynn
"It's too late to be looking up people's butts, I do that in the morning." - Brynn
Lonely
"Hey you know what dude?
I named my left nut NAME so you won't ever be lonely
I hope your not claustrophobic!"
RC - GS
I named my left nut NAME so you won't ever be lonely
I hope your not claustrophobic!"
RC - GS
Down There
"Russel, can you work with my stuff down there?" - Female Employee
"That's what she said." - Russel
"That's what she said." - Russel
Perty Skirt
"If you put things in my mouth I'm gonna... that's a perty skirt Angie!" - RC
"Way to change the subject." - Angie
MCC Math Problem
If someone asks you where you are going tell them...
"I'm going to get cat fur to make kitten britches... aren't you glad your a kitten?"
(that's right, you heard it here!)
"I'm going to get cat fur to make kitten britches... aren't you glad your a kitten?"
(that's right, you heard it here!)
"It's just so thick." - AC
"I thought that was how you liked it?" - BS
"I'm bout to get hyper, it picks my iron up, I'm about to get the shakes.
But peanut butter does get stuck in your throat." - AC
"Does it get sticky?" - KP
"Yeah it gets creamy." - AP
"You wouldn't want crunchy... that'd mean something was wrong!" - KP
"I thought that was how you liked it?" - BS
"I'm bout to get hyper, it picks my iron up, I'm about to get the shakes.
But peanut butter does get stuck in your throat." - AC
"Does it get sticky?" - KP
"Yeah it gets creamy." - AP
"You wouldn't want crunchy... that'd mean something was wrong!" - KP
Christmas Tree Balls
"Hey Sherry, did Patrick's Christmas Tree have balls? I need a tree with balls!" - BS (laugh it up, we did)
Two... Not One
"Ummm... I need to put two of those in my mouth!" - AC (discussing the deliciousness of gumballs.
The Love Muscle
"Hey Russel! What is your extension?" - Employee A
"I think it's LoveMuscle." - Employee B
(and a year later... his extension on the phone doesn't say Russel... but "lovemuscle"
"I think it's LoveMuscle." - Employee B
(and a year later... his extension on the phone doesn't say Russel... but "lovemuscle"
You Aint Old
"Don't act like you ain't old and wretched! How's your ole hip feel when you crawl into bed?" - Sherry Stevens on the event of Brooke's 28th Birthday.
Friday, October 1, 2010
A good age
"32 is a good age... I want to be 32
YOUR NOT STUPID ANYMORE!
............... ::long pause:: .....................
towards men."
- A female in the newsroom
YOUR NOT STUPID ANYMORE!
............... ::long pause:: .....................
towards men."
- A female in the newsroom
Rabbit & the Fly
Sherry: "The rabbit's got NOTHING on the fly!"
(in regards to who is more fertile and produces the most)
But Russel also mentioned this would be a great time for a children's book.
(in regards to who is more fertile and produces the most)
But Russel also mentioned this would be a great time for a children's book.
Catnip Mary
Sherry: "Ugh! The lady on line 3 wants Mary... she said she needs some catnip
.................. long pause .................
"She needs neutering!"
.................. long pause .................
"She needs neutering!"
Wide Open
SS: "I've got to go to the OBGYN and the dentist in one day... I'll be open wide on both ends all day."
KD: "Just make sure you don't get the two mixed up!"
KD: "Just make sure you don't get the two mixed up!"
Squirrel!!! -> hiccup
Sherry used to say "When was the last time you saw a squirrel!" when your hiccuping. This surprisingly worked on several of us, but she has since retired it for....
"How many proteins are in your brain?"
"How many proteins are in your brain?"
Man's Body
Sherry: "I know a man's body instantly."
{spoken to a male regarding his dimensions and size}
{spoken to a male regarding his dimensions and size}
Imbreeding (not in-breeding)
Sherry: "It costs $750 to have my dog imbredded."
Kathryn: "$750 just for the male dog to have a good time?"
Kathryn: "$750 just for the male dog to have a good time?"
Toilet Explodes
Jon: "Sherry!!! I blew up the toilet... err really the urinal!"
Brooke: "Are you kidding?"
Jon: "Nawwww... ummmm."
Brooke: "Are you kidding?"
Jon: "Nawwww... ummmm."